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#120: Urine Therapy and Culture

Sometimes I think my Mom encourages me to be more accepting of my “culture” so that she can laugh at me and punish me for being born.  Take for example the time she smeared a puree concoction of her spit and some green looking stuff onto my face one winter when I was in elementary school because her friend said that this Vietnamese formula would help with my dry skin.

I specifically remember being on the verge of tears every morning before I left for school.  And while it looked like a warrior-like ritual and a right of passage between Mother and daughter, I felt like I got punked.  What’s worse was that it all happened in slow-mo for me every…damn…day – from the moment she crushed this green substance, then spat in the bowl about twice to get the right amount of saliva in the mix, and then dipped her index finger in to make sure it was all mixed together before smothering this all over my face!  Where was the damn laughing machine.  Oh yea, there wasn’t one, it’s true.  Thank goodness my brother and I walked to school so I had time to rub and pick off these dried substance from my face, at least it cracked and fell off easily.

And the funny thing is, I talked to my Mom recently and asked her what the hell that was and she replied back…”oh, I don’t remember! What are you talking about?”

WTF Mom.  Seriously, this was one of the more traumatic times of my young life and you don’t remember?! Yea, she’s playing the senile card now – not fair.

So this just leads to me to the actual meat of my story - drinking urine right after you give birth to your child to keep you healthy and young.  My Mom never fails to remind me how young she looks and how much healthier she is compared to other 60 year old women, and how she owes it all to drinking urine right after giving birth to us.

Here are two reasons that I can automatically think of as to why this is not associated with urine therapy:

1. My Mom looks young compared to other 60 year old women because she’s ASIAN.  Plain and simple.  It also helps out that she isn’t stick skinny and has some fat tissue so you can’t really see her wrinkles.  I literally stare at her face all the time trying to find wrinkles, and besides her eyes getting a tad bit saggy from aging (which I think is perfectly beautiful) there are very little wrinkles.

2. She is healthy as she can be because of genes.

Anyhoo, back to my story, my Mom told me at a very young age that I must continue this tradition and do it for myself when I bear my own little ones (ugh, the actual thought of even having kids at this age makes me shiver…but please don’t take it as I never will want one and that I’m a baby hater, I’m sure I’ll want one later on, but not now, I can barely properly take care of myself ).  And the funny thing is is that I never cared enough to really look into this urine deal until today while I was driving.  It’s one of those things that just randomly popped up in my head and I was like….”is this shit is real or not”, and so I did my research, and apparently urine is a panacea.  I still don’t buy it, and I may be punked again.

Oh yea in case you were wondering, here’s what she said to do: ask a little boy for his piss, and then you boil it, and then drink it.  But it doesn’t make sense for you to do it once!  And why does it have to be a boy? Why can’t it be a girl?  And why kids? And why not just have your own piss? So confusing!

Anyway, I’m stuck in an awkward position.

Would YOU do this for the sake of culture and continuing a tradition that have been in existence for thousands of years….or would you just say no because it seems a bit unorthodox in our current culture?

#119: Dear Asshole,

Obviously, I just deleted this post.

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So let’s skip and move on to something else. I ran across this blog post from Girl on the Contrary the other day, and it explains a lot about me….

“And it seems that some people don’t find being made fun of attractive. Huh. Interesting. So that’s one problem I have…I mean, I could work on some of these issues and really put myself out there but…..yeah, no. Probably not. Better to stay inside this utility closet I found to hide in and think of witty things to blog about.”

In the mean time for everyone else’s music entertainment click here.

#118: Fake Toenails Experiment

WARNING: PICTURES MAY DISTURB YOU

Most people know that preacher’s kids are super wild, or whatever saying that you may have heard that signifies that kids are opposite when it comes to their parent’s profession.  Well, I would have to agree.  I am the daughter of a nail technician named Susan and I have the ugliest non-fungus infected fingernails and toenails you’ve ever seen. Meaning, for someone who doesn’t have any type of nail infections, my toenails and fingernails are just naturally ugly.  And yes, I am very much aware that Susan is my Mom’s made up name.

Wait, I know what y’all are thinking.  You’ve probably seen me out at night wearing strappy heals before, and you’re right, but did you also notice that I only wear it…at night?!  Yup, just like how people get uglier when the clubs turn their lights back on, my toenails are the same way.  I’m kind of like Cinderella, I get the hell out of there before 2am so people won’t have the unfortunate chance to look down and see my crusty toenails.  But I’m not like Cinderella in the fact that whether or not it is before or after 2am, my nails are still ugly…that is until I saw this..Glue On Toenails!

I was shopping at Walmart today and noticed that they sell glue-on toenails called “Real Life Toenails” and couldn’t help but to purchase this sucker and try it out for myself.  Below are the pictures and also a Youtube video I made of it.

Before

After...and not that much better.

#117: Pointless Post

I’ve been getting a lot of “What the…” this week, so I’m just going to end the week with another “What the hell…” moment with this pointless clip.

#116: Toilet Paper – Do you fold or crumple? Misunderstood.

I discovered something today on WordPress – POLLS!!!  So I went ahead and conducted my research.

I’ve always wondered how people are taught to wipe.  You have economical folks who will only use 2 perforated sheets, you have wasteful folks who will take a bunch of toilet paper, crumple, and wipe, then you have refine folks who fold, and then the upper class folks who have baby wipes.  Which one are you?  I’ll tell you which one I am…and I’m sad about this, but I’m the crumpler. Wasteful…I know.

When I was about 5, I used to go to the bathroom a lot at my babysitter’s mobile home.  While she watched her soaps, I would ask for permission to use the bathroom.  But when I was done and headed back out, I had another urge to use the bathroom, so I asked again and went back in.  That time around, as I sat on the toilet waiting for something to happen, I figured I would save me a trip back out to the living room and back into the bathroom again if I just sat on the toilet for a long time to make sure I really didn’t have to go anymore.

So every few minutes something would happen and I would wipe.  And that went on for a good 15 minutes.  Next thing you know, my babysitter came into the bathroom, told me to get up, and took a look into the toilet.  All I remember was a pissed off look on her face.  In the toilet, all you saw was toilet paper on top of toilet paper on top of toilet paper.  It was like I used up the entire roll.

But seriously, I was misunderstood!!

When I took a peek into the bowl to see what she was looking at, I finally realized how much toilet paper I used…but the thing was, I didn’t do that for fun, I did it because I really leaked and had to wipe!  I can’t help it that my parents kept me hydrated – of course you can’t see the yellow!

Needless to say, I got my ass whooped by my babysitter. That was the first time anyone  hit me who wasn’t my Mom or Dad.

#115: Winning Streak is Over

I am sad, my winning streak is officially over haha, and it was in the game of pool. Check out the video on this devastating loss…we were down to the 8 Ball.

#114: Vajazzle = Crop Circles

You asked for another vlog – so here it is!

#113: No Swag

One of my favorite Nike commercials is the Lebron James chalk ad. See below.

I attempted to re-create this at Kollaboration Houston yesterday, but it didn’t look the same. See footage below. After the footage was taken, a couple of my friends said…”Yea…you just don’t have enough swag to make that look cool.” O yea, and the “cool” that you hear at the end of the clip, that was more along the lines of a “bless your heart…” statement.

I’m such a fail.

However, I think Jeff looked a lot better at doing this:

#112: Sheng Wang Interview Clip

I had the opportunity to sit down with funny man Sheng Wang the other day, and here’s a verrry tiny slice of our conversation.  To listen to more of it, make sure you tune into AsianVoiceRadio.com or 900AM this Friday to catch the interview between 7-8:30p and his upcoming performance at Kollaboration Houston this Saturday!